Rewriting 'O Canada'

(Aired on March 5, 2010)

There was a suggestion this week that it's time to change Canada's national anthem.  Some apparently think we should change "in all our sons command" to make it more gender inclusive.  It is high time we change the anthem - but not for this particular reason.

It needs to be updated for accuracy.  Stand on guard for thee?  Considering our vast unguarded north - is that really true?  We need to revamp the whole thing - to better reflect what Canadians are really proud of.

Speaking of the north, let's start with geography and point out that we have coastlines on three oceans.  That'll work.  Then we can rhyme "oceans" with "Nova Scotians" - and maybe lotions, because when it gets cold, you need that stuff to keep your skin from cracking.

Hockey will have to play a prominent part in the new anthem.  But the only thing that remotely rhymes with "Gretzky" is "sexy", and I'm not comfortable with that if Rita McNeil ever sings this anthem.

Inventions like insulin, hair tonic, and the game Pictionary all happened in Canada, so we should probably mention those.  Canadians are known to drink a lot of beer, but we are also known to be very gracious, so at one point in the anthem we should probably apologize for drinking so much beer.  As a nod to our multiculturalism, we should probably include a verse of "Frere Jacques" as well.

Another verse should be dedicated entirely to beavers.

For the title, Prime Minister Harper has requested we include the word "spangled."

You know what?  This is getting entirely too long and convoluted.  Why don't we just commission Leonard Cohen or Gordon Lightfoot to write us an anthem?

Or better yet - Celine Dion.  Because what's more Canadian than celebrating someone only once they become accepted in the United States.